Laws for a Mother-in-Law

Mother-in-law. It can be a difficult role to play. Think of all the mean jokes; they exist because there is some truth to them. Being a happy mother-in-law with happy children-in-law usually requires some finesse. I have been a mother-in-law for 15 years and have 7 in-law children and 15 grandchildren. I think the most delicate relationships can be between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. This is because the young woman is setting out to be a wife and mother establishing her home and is eager to develop a style all her own. The mother-in-law has been there, done that, and probably learned a lot. She may not want to give up her position as the center of the family or trust her son's welfare to this young woman's inexperience. As such, she may be tempted to push her presence, energy, ideas, talents, resources, advice, and expertise onto the resisting daughter-in-law. Big mistake! The following may be some of the reasons I seem to get along well with my married children, especially my daughters-in-law, so far:

1. I keep my life packed with my marriage, and my own projects, interests, and goals, so I do not need to be involved in the activities of my grown children or my grandchildren to feel needed, busy, important, or fulfilled.

2. My kids know they are welcome to visit us anytime. We love when they come over. If they do not call or come to visit for a while and I miss them, I give them a love call, invite them over or out somewhere, or let them know I’d like to pay them a visit or do something together when it’s convenient.

3. I let the kids do most of the planning if they want to get together as an extended family. They usually decide where they want to meet. I am happy to have them here at home, be the hostess, and do some cooking if that’s what’s convenient. This happens pretty regularly at various homes and is a lot of fun. I don’t make any judgments about who comes and who doesn’t or how short or long anyone stays.

4. I do not require their presence on any occasion, and they know it. If they turn down an invitation or don’t show up for something, I miss them but do not make any judgments or comments. I realize there are unique dynamics in every marriage and family which are none of my business.

5. I do not intrude myself on their family’s birthdays, family home evenings, Sundays, vacations, special occasions, or holidays. (I had my chance to teach lessons, make childhood memories, frost birthday cakes, and plan vacations.)

6. I try to make it to anything they ask me to come to. This is always a pleasure.

7. I do not pop in on them unawares or invite myself to stay at their home.

8. I may offer my services, but I do not do or arrange anything for them unless they ask me to (which is pretty rare). This includes anything to do with their child-rearing, their occupations, their decorating, their laundry, their housework, their phone calls or appointments, their purchases, their finances, their travels, their vacations, their relationships, etc.

9. I try very hard not to meddle with the domestic affairs and maternal authority of my daughters and daughters-in-law. They are all very responsible and unique. I try not to offer uninvited advice on anything, from organizing a drawer, to feeding a baby, to buying a car, to marriage. I make it a habit to respect their wishes down to the smallest detail. (Sometimes I slip up, but I do bite my tongue. It has gotten a lot easier.)

10. I try to be complimentary and encouraging. I do not flatter or effuse (which can come across as insincere, judgmental, or condescending). Neither do I criticize their appearance, clothes, taste in decor, furniture, or any other belongings.

11. I do not pick out or buy any of my grown children or grandchildren anything of any consequence, including major articles of clothing or furniture, unless it’s something like an agreed-upon special occasion gift. I do this because I know big unwanted stuff is a burden to them.

I think perhaps we middle-aged Mormon mothers (and some fathers, too) take the families are forever thing too far. After all, even in the celestial kingdom we will be individuals who are equally grown up. We won’t be in charge of each other or lord it over each other. In this life, our children must be launched into the world and must learn to run the details of their own lives. When it’s time for them to be wives and husbands, mothers and fathers, to experience their own successes and failures, to learn and to grow, we have to take a big step back as parents. We are no longer the center of their lives; we are merely resources. Unwanted or unneeded intrusion into grown children’s lives interferes with their progress and steals life experiences from them. This is not fair or right and causes a lot of stress, resentment, and difficulty in extended families, even in the grown children’s marriages. We older folks have to be very careful not to cross lines. It doesn't take much to cause big problems. I wonder if parents, however well-meaning, who cause problems in their married children’s lives, know that dealing with interfering in-laws is one of the three main reasons for marital discord. What a burden to place on young people trying to raise their families! Personally, I hope I’ve learned from my mistakes.

It may be disconcerting at times to see our responsible grown children do things differently than we would, but that’s the way things are. I’m grateful I’ve learned to enjoy it.

P.S. This post is dedicated to my sweet smart mother whom my husband loves dearly.